229: How Can I Help My ADHD Child When I Have ADHD Too?
Your child doesn't need a perfectly regulated parent. They need a parent who knows how to reconnect after things go wrong. For parents who begin recognizing their own ADHD while trying to support a child with ADHD, that shift can take a tremendous amount of pressure off parenting.
In this episode of The Soaring Child podcast, Dana Kay talks with ADHD coach, I Have ADHD Podcast host, FOCUSED founder, and author Kristen Carder about why a child's ADHD diagnosis so often becomes a mirror for a parent. Kristen explains how executive functioning challenges, emotional dysregulation, shame, and the feeling of always being "in trouble" can show up in parenthood, especially when a parent is trying to teach skills she may struggle with herself. They also walk through what healthy repair can look like after yelling, losing patience, or handling a moment in a way you wish you had not. Kristen shares a simple process for naming what happened, apologizing, taking accountability, asking what your child needs, and reconnecting without expecting immediate forgiveness or closeness. Listeners will hear practical ways to interrupt escalation in the moment, regulate themselves before trying to regulate their child, adjust unrealistic expectations, and build more support around their own ADHD. Kristen also shares why learning about adult ADHD can replace harsh self-judgment with clearer next steps, plus one small practice parents can begin today: apologizing and taking accountability for something every day.
LINKS MENTIONED IN THE SHOW
Kristen Carder's FOCUSED Program
You're Not in Trouble by Kristen Carder
KEY TAKEAWAYS
[04:34] Many adults first recognize their own ADHD while completing forms, noticing symptoms, and learning about ADHD after their child is diagnosed.
[06:57] When a mother with ADHD is expected to organize, remember, regulate, and teach the same executive functioning skills she struggles with, shame, self-judgment, and a sense of failure can build quickly.
[09:53] Kristen describes the recurring feeling of being one mistake away from upsetting someone and explains why the message "you're not in trouble" can help adults move from shame toward accountability and repair.
[12:43] Kristen shares research from her book process suggesting parent-child relationships are not built on perfection; they are strengthened by the ability to reconnect after ruptures.
[18:12] Healthy repair starts by clearly naming what happened, acknowledging the parent's responsibility, saying "I'm sorry," and asking the child what they need to rebuild connection.
[20:03] Parents should not tire of repairing with their children. Kristen emphasizes that repair can still matter with teenagers and adult children and that it is never too late to reconnect.
[21:42] When both parent and child are escalating, Kristen recommends interrupting the momentum out loud, changing body position, pausing, and recognizing that the current approach is not working.
[22:39] Parents often wait for their child to become calm before calming themselves, but Kristen says the order needs to be reversed: the parent regulates first so the child can borrow a calmer nervous system.
[24:37] Realistic expectations can prevent avoidable escalation. Kristen describes giving herself more time, expecting normal child behavior, breathing, and choosing not to yell even when she does not feel calm inside.
[27:13] For a mother who recognizes herself in the conversation, Kristen's first step is to learn specifically about adult ADHD rather than relying only on what she has learned through the lens of childhood ADHD.
[29:11] Understanding procrastination, time management problems, impulsivity, and other struggles as areas that need support can replace the belief that a person is simply lazy or flawed.
[32:02] Kristen's small action for parents is to practice apologizing every day so children can learn that people can make mistakes, take accountability, repair, and stay connected.
MEMORABLE MOMENTS
[11:17] "But I don't consent to being in trouble."
[12:43] "Our relationships with our kids are not built on perfection or getting it right all the time. They're built on how well can we reconnect?"
[18:12] "Repair involves a couple of things. We want to make sure that we're acknowledging what we did and really naming it."
[20:03] "What's so important for us as parents is to never tire of repairing with our kids."
[20:05] "It's never too late to repair with your kids."
[21:42] "In the moment, in the moment, you have to use your ADHD to your advantage and interrupt yourself."
[22:39] "So many of us are wanting our kids to be calm so that we can be calm. And that is backwards."
[23:12] "It is our job to learn how to regulate ourselves, and then our kids borrow our calm-ish nervous system."
[29:11] "You're not lazy. You're struggling with something that needs attention and you clearly need more support."
[32:02] "Practice apologizing every day. Find something that you can apologize and take accountability for today."
DANA KAY RESOURCES
🔗 WEBSITES:
https://adhdthriveinstitute.com/
👋 SOCIALS:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ADHDThriveInstitute/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/adhdthriveinstitute/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/ADHDThriveInstitute
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/adhd-thrive-institute/
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.ph/adhdthriveinstitute/
Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@adhd_thriveinstitute
📕 INTERNATIONAL BEST SELLING BOOK:
Thriving with ADHD – https://adhdthriveinstitute.com/book/
💻 FREE MASTERCLASS:
Free Reduce ADHD Symptoms Naturally Masterclass - https://bit.ly/3GAbFQl
⭐ COURSES & PROGRAMS:
ADHD Parenting Course – https://info.adhdthriveinstitute.com/parentingadhd
ADHD Thrive Method 4 Kids Program – https://adhdthriveinstitute.com/packages/
